Greetings!
If
you're on this page, it's probably because you have the sheet music for
"Crowd Control" and you're planning to sing it somewhere. I wrote this
song to open a concert of my music at Birdland,
a cabaret/club in NYC. Some of the lyrics are specific to that evening,
i.e. "cabaret conditions," as well as references to my mother being in
attendance.
When I've
used this song since then, I've rewritten some of the lyrics to
accommodate specific environments and situations, and I urge you to
feel free to do the same (within reason). Needless
to say, the song works best when it is the first song of the evening.
"And when you factor in these
cabaret conditions..."
I
like to address the surroundings in this line. When performing at a
JCC, I say "When you factor in these JCC conditions." Likewise, at a
country club, "these country club conditions." Or at a one-night
benefit, "these benefit conditions" or "these one-shot-deal
conditions." You get the picture.
"A camera's flash, a hacking
cough, that person slurping Beef Stroganoff"
This
line is there to enumerate the overwhelming distractions for a
performer in this particular environment. Some alternative lyrics I've
sung: At a hometown concert "So many folks I used to know, my family's
taking whole ninth row." Once,
when I was
performing toward the end of a dinner benefit, I sang "You've had
dessert, you're ready to go, now some guy's singing you don't even
know." Ideally, you will find something hilarious to say that addresses
the distractions of the place you're in and also rhymes. The more
specific, the better.
"It's amazing we soldier
through."
This
line generally gets the job done, but every once in a while, I'll sing
instead: "It's a challenge to just get through" if it's a better fit
with the rewritten line that precedes it.
Ad lib re: shutting off
the phones
Don't
skip this! Most people will really appreciate your taking the time to
get others to turn off their phones. Also, try to find a nice balance
between stern and charming. If you're too snarky too soon, you'll give
away where the song ends up.
"(Mom.)"
This
is a tricky one. There will either be someone there that night that it
makes sense to subtitute, or there won't. If I'm stumped, I use "Mom,"
even if she isn't there.
"Ben Brantley"
Mr.
Brantley, the current first-string theatre critic for The New York Times,
is considered to have a certain amount of influence. Hence, he's the
person I use here. If you have a notoriously influential local critic
(professor, loudmouth) whose name and reputation would be recognized by
your audience, that would be a great substitution here.
Have fun!