“Crowd Control” Optional Lyrics
Greetings!
If you’re on this page, it’s probably because you have the sheet music for “Crowd Control” and you’re planning to sing it somewhere. I wrote this song to open a concert of my music at Birdland, a cabaret/club in NYC. Some of the lyrics are specific to that evening, i.e. “cabaret conditions,” as well as references to my mother being in attendance.
When I’ve used this song since then, I’ve rewritten some of the lyrics to accommodate specific environments and situations, and I urge you to feel free to do the same (within reason). Needless to say, the song works best when it is the first song of the evening.
“And when you factor in these cabaret conditions…”
I like to address the surroundings in this line. When performing at a JCC, I say “When you factor in these JCC conditions.” Likewise, at a country club, “these country club conditions.” Or at a one-night benefit, “these benefit conditions” or “these one-shot-deal conditions.” You get the picture.
“A camera’s flash, a hacking cough, that person slurping Beef Stroganoff”
This line is there to enumerate the overwhelming distractions for a performer in this particular environment. Some alternative lyrics I’ve sung: At a hometown concert “So many folks I used to know, my family’s taking the whole ninth row.” Once, when I was performing toward the end of a dinner benefit, I sang “You’ve had dessert, you’re ready to go, now some guy’s singing you don’t even know.” Ideally, you will find something hilarious to say that addresses the distractions of the place you’re in and also rhymes. The more specific, the better.
“It’s amazing we soldier through.”
This line generally gets the job done, but every once in a while, I’ll sing instead: “It’s a challenge to just get through” if it’s a better fit with the rewritten line that precedes it.
Ad lib re: shutting off the phones
Don’t skip this! Most people will really appreciate your taking the time to get others to turn off their phones. Also, try to find a nice balance between stern and charming. If you’re too snarky too soon, you’ll give away where the song ends up.
“(Mom.)”
This is a tricky one. There will either be someone there that night that it makes sense to substitute, or there won’t. If I’m stumped, I use “Mom,” even if she isn’t there.
“Ben Brantley”
Mr. Brantley, the current first-string theatre critic for The New York Times, is considered to have a certain amount of influence. Hence, he’s the person I use here. If you have a notoriously influential local critic (professor, loudmouth) whose name and reputation would be recognized by your audience, that would be a great substitution here.
Have fun!